Tuesday, June 30, 2015

Why I will always be missing something

Me and my soulmate reunited after over a year.
Hello's are so sweet, goodbye's so bitter.
I firmly believe that I live in a constant state of missing something. It's a natural thing, and it can't be helped. Before I left Egypt for Michigan, I missed my family so much it hurt and I couldn't wait to see them. I was counting down the days until I would be there. But at the exact same time, I was already missing my friends who were still with me! By the time I made it home, I loved spending time with my friends and family stateside, but realized I was already missing them even though they were right in front of my eyes. I could still touch them and I already missed them. Not to mention I was homesick for Cairo, and counting down the days until I would be back. I couldn't win. The problem is, there have been so many happy moments in my life, that I can't help but miss them and wish that I could have them all at the same time. I can't help but wish that I didn't have to choose.

If only I could go canoeing with my family down the Manistee River, and still watch the sunset from the edge of the Mediterranean Sea. If only I could stay out late at the cafe with my friends, drinking tea and laughing in the hot, Egyptian night, and wake up to a Northern Michigan sunrise and go jogging down the roads that I grew up on. If only I could talk for hours at my grandmother's kitchen table, and still make it back to my apartment in downtown Cairo in time to make dinner. If only I could hold everything important to me in my hands all at one time, but I can't. There's not enough room. And sometimes I get scared that there's not enough room in my heart. I'm not sure if it is even possible. Because sometimes I get so overwhelmed trying to hold everything dear to me close. Trying to stay in touch with everyone. Trying to not let anything go. Feeling guilty when I get distracted by what is going on around me and don't think about all the important things that have made me who I am.

I feel so torn between all the worlds that have built me up to be the person that I am today. As I sit in the Detroit airport waiting to board, I am barely talking to anyone. There are only so many "I'm going to miss you's" and "I can't wait to see you's" I can say until I just want to find the exact coordinates to the spot in the Atlantic between Kalkaska and Cairo, and just sit there in a rowboat and enjoy being exactly in the middle of my two worlds. Because then maybe I wouldn't have to choose. But I obviously know that isn't the answer, because then I will just miss everyone.

I think that the torn feeling will never go away. It wouldn't make sense if it did, because those worlds are always going to be important to me. It is a natural effect of being blessed with so many amazing people and incredible experiences. But I will continue to fight the feeling of missing things while I am in the moment enjoying things. At least silence it to a whisper rather than a roar. I will have forever to miss the happy moments of my past, it doesn't make sense to miss the moments of the present. It will take a lot of work, but I have to make myself constantly remember to enjoy what I have right now, to love the moment I have right now, promising that I will cherish the memories forever.

Thursday, June 25, 2015

Kalkaska, Michigan: As American as Little League Baseball and Rhubarb Pie

For some reason there is a misconception that the United States has no culture. I don't really understand this at all. It probably originated with those snooty French people who think they created the meaning of culture, or something like that. In my opinion, nowhere else in the world has as much culture as the US. There may be no distinct "American" culture because there are so many various experiences here, but there is definitely culture. I grew up in the small town culture, specifically in Northern Michigan. I want to share the culture of Kalkaska and what makes it so special. Being away for so long made me realize that not all of these things can be taken for granted, because they are just not common everywhere else.

First of all, Kalkaska is beautiful. It has four distinct seasons, I visited in early summer. I forgot that so many shades of green existed. Driving around it was just green grass followed by green bushes followed by green trees followed by more green trees, every leaf catching the sun in a different way.





It is also very blue. Michigan is the water state. No matter where you are, you can find a stream, river, pond, or lake. This makes water sports very important to life here. Kalkaska's annual festival is based on the opening day of trout fishing season, the National Trout Festival. We have the giant fish downtown to prove it.

One of my family's favorite summertime activities is floating down the river in canoes or kayaks. Nothing is more relaxing than floating in the sun (or rain, if you are that dedicated), and sipping some Michigan made ginger ale, Vernors.

On the river it is common to see wildlife, birds, snakes, turtles, fish, beaver, deer, whatever. It is actually common to see wildlife anywhere in Kalkaska. There are more trees than people so there is plenty of space for them to live. If driving around sunset, people will remind you to watch for deer, when they are especially active. No one wants to hit one of those trying to cross the road.

Speaking of driving, everyone drives in Kalkaska. The town is so small and most people don't live inside the limits anyway, so there isn't much for public transportation at all. But that makes for very light traffic, and if traffic isn't light people are going to complain about all the "fudgies" who are up here from downstate driving crazy and clogging up the roads. There are only two stop lights, and they start flashing yellow late at night because the town shuts down. But on the flip side, the town wakes up early because there is no use "burning daylight." Kalkaska is a working town, with many people working on farms, in oil or gas, schools, trucking, or service industries like restaurants or the local grocery stores that require them to get up early.

Everyone knows everyone in Kalkaska. With only 17,000 people for 571 square miles (1,480 square kilometers), I joke with my Egyptian friends that as many people live in Kalkaska as on my street in Cairo, and it's not that far of a stretch. For perspective, the entire Kalkaska County population could fit into the Michigan State football stadium more than four times. This creates a very trusting, friendly community. Just going to the grocery store you are likely to run into someone you know. And at half the gas stations you don't have to prepay for your fuel. You can fill up and then go inside to pay.

When visiting, people talk about what's important. I don't know how many conversations I had about the late frosts the first few weeks I was there. It's important because it affects all the crops, gardens, and flowers. We have to talk about when things are planted, when the apple trees blossom, who has tomatoes first, when the corn pokes through the ground, and when the strawberry fields are open for "pick your own." I made it there for both the lilac season and the early irises. Beautiful.


At Matthew's game


We also talk about sports. There is so much little league baseball in the area, the fields are usually booked for a month. I went to my share of games while home, both my brother's and my nephew's. After the game, it is hard to not celebrate getting ice cream, and then eat it on the way home while listening to the Tigers play their baseball game on the radio. Because it's summertime.

At Carter's game.


I love having bonfires in the summertime. In June, the fires might get lit before it is dark because it stays light outside until nearly ten pm. But once it does get dark, the stars are beautiful. That is a bonus of not having big city lights anywhere nearby. Another gathering activity is playing Euchre. This is a four-person card name rarely found outside of Michigan, and it's the best.

When I think about food in Kalkaska, I automatically think of Trout Town, because I worked there for so many years. And I love the trout, reubens, meatloaf, pancakes, and breakfast skillets. But I also always think of rhubarb pie. And blackberry pie. And apple pie. And cherry pie. All things that grow locally.


But of course Kalkaska makes me think of my family. Because as crazy as they are for insisting on living where it is the arctic wilderness half of the year, they are the greatest people in the world.